The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
