Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
