That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize