He asked me if I "almost moaned"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
