Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
