My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
