I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
