I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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