tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
