The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
