My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
