I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
