porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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