I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
