her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
