Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i drank out of a bidet.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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