ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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