Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
