his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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