When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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