I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
