Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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