did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She announced her abortion via fbk
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize