i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
