The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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