Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
