I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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