Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
