Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
