i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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