Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
