Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
