the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
