There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
