im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
