i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
