Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
