i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
