I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize