woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
