I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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