We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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