Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
