all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Randomize
