There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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