please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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