I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
