Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
