Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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