You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
