dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
soo... how was my night?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
