I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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