Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
