do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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