Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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