I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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