Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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