Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
