I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
