in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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