yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
