shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
