I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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